Enough is enough

Dear myself, you know yourself better. You know that you can’t even hate someone. You know that even someone step on your face, you’ll easily forgive them. You know that aren’t you? So, from now on, stop thinking nonsense. Stop trying to hate someone that you can’t even hate because your love for that person is far way too deep. Stop crying because all those tears are not worth it for this kind of thing. Stop crying because there’s nothing for you to cry on. Stop crying because your heart has become weaker. Stop crying because you know you can’t heal the wounds anymore. Stop making the pain deeper. Just stop it.

This morning, you woke up. Your face looks swallow. Your eyes were red. You slept at 4. You cried the whole night.

The whole night, i talked to myself. I tried to manipulate my mind that everything is under control.

The only word that i can say is “YA Allah, lindungi hatiku. Jaga niatku. Pelihara langkahku”. I don’t want to make a wrong step. I am afraid that I might lose control. I am afraid if everything. I am totally terrified.

But there’s only one thing that I hope my dad can understand. Support me whenever I feel like falling. That’s the only thing that i am hoping for. Right now, i have become so weak. I don’t know when and i don’t know how and i don’t know why i become like this.

If you read this, ignore all the post below. I won’t delete all the post. Because from now on, i want to become more sincere to myself. I want my parents to believe in me. I want them to know that, their youngest daughter have grown up and they can be proud of me. I want them once again to be proud of me like how they were so proud when i managed to enter SMK Sultan Badlishah. I want to prove that I can succeed, Insyallah.

Mak, abah. *oh tidak..nangis lagi*. Sorry for what i’ve done. I know, up till now, i’ve never been a good daughter. I am terribly stubborn. Abah, i know i am not smart but believe in me. I will study hard until my nose bleed. I promise you that i will manage to get loan to study overseas. I promise that abah don’t have to come out with a single cent for my study. I promise that. I will fulfil my previous promise that i said to abah. I will. Thanks for everything. What else can i ask for? I had more than enough in this world. Although i am tired will all these fake-ness that i need to face,but i will move on.

Ya Allah, segala rasa gundah. Segala rasa gelisah, kau bantulah aku. Bimbinglah aku Ya Allah.